Dear fear,
Why, hello there, old friend!
I’m amazed that I’m even calling you friend. You used to be someone I would ignore, hoping that you would go away, whenever I thought about leaving what was familiar or exploring the new. You were my constant companion when I would find myself literally lost in the streets of Italy or on the subway in Japan and I didn’t like the uncomfortable feelings your presence gave me. So, in my ordinary life, I would pretend you didn’t exist, that you didn’t matter.
Until 2010, when everything that you told me to be scared of came to pass. I found myself homeless, abandoned and then mother-less. It was worse than what you had warned me about, the pain almost breaking me. For a while, you were replaced by something even more powerful—grief. But when I came out on the other side (a process that wasn’t easy but was necessary), there you still were.
The last two years, when I moved on from my cushy job, you’ve been a constant presence, always asking me whether I was doing the right thing, what I would do for money. You reminded me how nice and comfortable things were. You wondered if what I was doing was worth it.
I would just ignore you but one day, someone asked me to listen to what you were saying, to let you speak up instead of just shutting me down. And you told me that you just wanted me to be safe, that you didn’t want me to get hurt again as I did six years ago, that you just wanted to take care of me. And I listened because you sounded like a friend who cared. I reassured you that we will be okay, because we have emerged stronger for having gone through what we did.
So now, when I find myself feeling an uncomfortable prickle at the back of my neck or a quickening in my chest, I now pause to ask you, what do you want to tell me? What is it you need?
Thank you for being there for me, my buddy. I know you only want me to be safe but I want you to know that I want to live a life filled with adventure and joy, that won’t look like it did in the past. But we will be okay.
Love, Aurora
This month, I decided to challenge myself and participate in Susannah Conway’s April Love event. She’s inviting her readers to write daily love letters around a certain theme. I can’t make the daily commitment, but I want to do at least 10. Here are my love letters to love, home, intuition, my future self, courage and money.
